What if I told you that most of what is holding you back is based on fear? That this fear was learned? And the best bit - what if I told you that identifying that fear and dealing with it literally sets off a chain reaction that deals with so many personal issues in one go, that it feels like being set free?
Well, you'd probably begin by making excuses in your mind as to why I am better placed to say that - you'd be looking for reasons to disbelieve it.
'Oh well, he can say that... He's probably got a great life...', 'What can he know about me and my life?' and various other self-talk trying to convince ourselves that it couldn't possibly be that simple.
Well, let me introduce you to your fear. Well, not your fear, but your fear's attempt at trying to stop itself from being found.
You see, fear is a very sneaky little bitch. It will sit in the background, using your emotions, perceptions, beliefs, even your own personality - against you. Fear is the ultimate coward, hiding away in the dark, hurting you behind your back, doing anything it can to avoid detection while still somehow managing to control almost every part of you.
Did you see how dramatic I made the word 'control'? Well, that's because the words 'fear' and 'control' have been used together for years. There are stories, campaigns, and a huge range of theories about 'those in power' using fear to control us. I'd like to redefine that.
They are manipulating our own fear to control us. It's all very well saying 'f*ck the system'. But, 'they' always find a way of playing to our fears. For example:
If you don't pay your phone bill, what happens? You get harassed. Letters, phone calls... Pressure. Still don't pay? You get cut off. They've just made a whole range of tools available to your inner fear, whatever it is:
· Fear of separation, loneliness - you now have less possibility of contact with people who matter to you.
· Fear for your safety - you have no backup if things go wrong in life. You have no way of asking for help.
· Fear of inadequacy - you feel worthless because you 'can't even pay a bill'.
· Fear of commitment - 'If this is what happens when I commit to a financial contract, it will be a million times worse with any commitment that involves my emotions'...
Pretty much every fear a person can have is used by this company to get the money out of you. If you still don't pay, the threat of financial hardship, the threat to our stability and inability to get ourselves in more debt in the future are among others brought into play.
Stress is a direct result of fear. Let's get scientific for a moment:
The bodily reactions and emotional effects of stress are produced by a part of the brain called the limbic system.
The limbic system's job is to regulate the working of the body, using emotions, hormones and a ton of other stuff to best deal with a situation.
That's the scientific bit over and done with.
Back when I was a lad, with all the sabre-toothed tigers and dinosaurs running around everywhere, human beings needed to be able to run away. That's what this whole fight or flight thing is about. If it's safe, we stay. If it isn't we run away or fight.
The trouble is, it's down to us to actually decide what is a threat and what isn't. The part of our brain responsible for putting us into 'flight mode' is a tool (literally). It can't distinguish between a threat to your life, and a threat to your financial stability. That's up to you. It does its job very well, but it is waaaaay overused.
The bottom line is: If you get rid of the underlying fear, then none of the fear-generating 'tools' will work any more.
Sounds easy, right? Wrong. So very, very wrong.
If you're looking for a quick fix, then you'd better carry on looking. Like the phone companies that use your fears against you to make you pay their bills, your own fear also uses itself against you for its own self-preservation.
It doesn't matter how hard you work on yourself. You can take a thousand yoga classes, you can become a meditation master, you can sit on top of a mountain in Tibet finding yourself... If the underlying fear isn't found and rooted out, it'll hide in the background stirring trouble.
My worst fear came true, and showed its identity. So I said 'Now I'm gonna take you apart, you bastard'... Here's my experience:
I met a girl. Well, actually, she was the absolute shining epitome of all I have ever wished for. It was as if I had written down a list of what I wanted, and the universe said 'here you go...'
We were absolutely infatuated. So completely in love, the world ceased to exist.
We had an absolutely amazing time - so incredibly compatible that we literally consumed each other.
As is distressingly common, it didn't last. We had our time, and we separated, with love.
After separation, people generally go into a state of numbness after a while, and i chose this time to mindfully review my life.
Have you ever cried so hard that you can't breathe? You know, you literally have no air left in your body but you're not crying with your body; you're crying with your entire soul... The absolute deepest depths of despair, anguish and hopelessness?
That kind of crying comes all the way from childhood times. That is your fear saying 'Look! I told you so!' In my case, it made me think about what had upset me so much.
I worked out that I was so upset because it had ended, despite the fact that we seemingly did everything right...
But hold on a second... Everything ends... So what's the problem? We need some context here:
I am from a forces family. I spent my childhood moving around the world (an amazing experience), and gaining so much life experience that many people would be jealous of.
A glaringly obvious (to me) pattern in my life, is how short-term and unstable everything has been. In childhood, it was all short-term friends, loves, schools, homes, cultures... I would never criticise either of my parents for the job they did introducing me to the world, and I would never blame them for who I am today. Just to get that out of the way...
So, this pattern continued into adulthood. Everything was short term, temporary, unstable and I couldn't understand why... It's actually simple:
I was pushing it all away.
That's quite a bold statement, and obviously needs some explaining. You see, nobody ever stops us and says 'Now you're an adult, these things don't apply any more', so lessons, patterns, behaviours and beliefs learnt during our formative years carry on. Even if they don't apply in adulthood. Sometimes, these 'leftovers' are downright destructive and harmful (for example: the rule of not talking to strangers can become shyness and lack of confidence in adults).
Back to me. I spent my childhood preparing for the next time the hand of Her Britannic Majesty's Forces reached down and plucked me from my life, to deposit me somewhere else, where I would have to start again. I was literally being trained for instability.
Part of the reason I could never criticise my family or be ungrateful for the childhood experiences I had is that now I am older I can see the positives. This training made me very good at moving on, dropping emotion from situations, basically being mindful and knowing that everything will pass (not to mention settling into other cultures, language abilities etc...).
With this training came a whole set of tools:
· The ability to sell myself in order to make new friends easily
· Realising that I am the only constant in my life, and focusing on me
· Being selective in my efforts - discerning what is important and what's not
· Self-belief
· Making the most of something
· Detachment and Objectivity
I know there are other advantages, but that's enough for now.
Let's just translate the above points into slightly less positive language (in order):
· Arrogance, 'full of myself'
· Narcissism and selfishness
· Procrastination and judgement
· Grandiosity, 'I am the best'
· Intensity, Oppressiveness, the desire for control
· Apathy, Emotional unavailability
Can you see how I pushed everything away? And I didn't see it from outside because it's a learned behaviour, just like brushing teeth or writing...
My greatest strength was my biggest weakness...
So... What makes this a fear?
Fear is lack of control. Simple as that. Because the stability of my life depended on purely external factors as a child, I had no control over how long things lasted or when my next move was going to happen. My subconscious mind had learnt that it will all end soon, and that I will have to start again (as in, my entire life and environment).
As an adult, this belief caused fear. I believed that once I started enjoying things, it would all end and the cycle would start again. This made me employ all my self-preservation skills (see above), with the result that people saw me for who I wasn't, I entered into situations with entirely false expectations... I literally projected instability.
You may have noticed that I use the past tense a lot here. That's because with one phrase I showed that fear how stupid it was, and it stormed off with its little ego in a bad mood.
I don't need you any more, fear. I'm a big boy now, let me handle it.
I thanked my fear for helping me through my childhood, let it know (gently, of course) that it was no longer needed and that I have enough knowledge as an adult to deal with where my path takes me.
Realising what my fear was enabled me to notice where it had a negative effect on my life (and thus where I don't need it). I now find myself completely unconcerned with the temporary nature of life, relaxing into the fact that nobody is going to come along and pluck me out of my surroundings. I realised that nobody is going to do that to me any more and so I really don't need to worry about having my life turned upside down again. I released my fear.
I no longer had the expectation that it was all going to end, and I learned to just go with it. My fear was making me fight the dao, the flow of life. Once I released it, I started flowing with the rhythm of life. I dropped all desire for control, and have developed a curious attitude by not judging or expecting. I released my attachment to the outcome.
I completely took myself and my life to bits, and inspected each and every part before I put it all back together. If it didn't help, I didn't put it back.
I live in Lanzarote and am a Reiki Master Practitioner and Teacher, adept at several different types of traditional and non-traditional Reiki. I also practice Chios Energy Healing, and heal intuitively. I am a hypnotherapist, psychologist and life coach and my mission to 'heal as many people as possible'.
If you would like to have a chat about healing or any of the work I do, please get in touch:
+34 603 79 88 82 (WhatsApp available)
blue.spirit.wellness@gmail.com
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